Happiness and Heartache…

In an act of kindness, the directors of camp, had lovingly placed both our son Connor, and his friend Jordan’s initials, in their memory, on the sleeve of the camp shirts this year.  So many blessings and reasons to be thankful, yet… as the sun was going down that night, I could barely breathe. I rushed to Connor’s gravesite, not knowing what else to do. My body was restless and aching. He loved nature. His memorial lies just below a beautiful sweet gum tree, full with green leaves.  We hung wind chimes in the tree, to honor his love of music. There is a solid black marble bench just under the tree donated by friends and family. His photo is on the bench, enclosed in a frame, that you can open and look at his smiling face. This is my place of peace.

On this particular night, I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking I did not have any more strength to keep going. Exhaustion had set in from lack of sleep and heartache. The wind chimes were unusually calm that night in the heat. I laid down on the bench, knees up, and shoes off, sobbing for times past, longing for our child.  I gently pushed the wind chimes with my feet to find music, as I looked up into the tree.  I prayed for strength, peace and purpose, as tears streamed down my face.

I consciously keep myself from asking, why him?  As the heaviness of this world descended upon me, I opened my eyes and looked to the sky. The beautiful sunset reminded me of God’s promise.  His love endures forever.  I looked up and saw His light shining down on me in a breathtakingly beautiful sky.  This was a gift.  Without fail, as my strength waivers, God gives what I need to keep going.

It is nine months today, since I last heard his voice.  In my walk of faith, I am assured I will see him again.  This Mama’s love cannot be extinguished.  Our Father’s love is eternal.  For this I am grateful…Love, peace and blessings,  MamaC.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  2 Corinthians 4:6