Do you see through eyes of grief?
Is there a time of year that is difficult for you to get through? October, in all its Fall beauty, was our month of loss. As it comes to a close, I share with you these words… written the day we took our son Connor to college, August 14, 2014.
“Yesterday I wrote about your birth and what an awesome gift we were given. On the way to the hospital, there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky – leading us there. You were the treasure at the end of the rainbow.
Today, we moved you into Truman State University. How did this happen so quickly? I know you are ready. You are smarter than I was at age 19, polite, and know just want to say. You are a charmer, and that will get you far when used along with your smarts.
I am already missing your smiling face and silliness. I did not cry until we got home and reality set in.
I will pray for you every day and night. Prayers for happiness, success, learning, growth, safety, good friendships, and love.
It is your time to fly and I know you have strong wings. I watched them grow. I love you more than life itself. I pray, someday that you will feel a love like this!” Mama ♥️
Nine weeks after I expressed my heart into words he was gone.
One might ask “How can you not be angry?” “How can you move forward?” “How can you be faithful when you said you would pray and your prayers were not answered?”
My prayers have been answered, yet not the way I expected. My heart still longs for our son. He never leaves me as I carry God and Connor in my heart daily.
I was angry. It is part of grief. Moving forward has been very difficult. I used to wake up, praying it was just a nightmare. My day would begin without him, and the truth was in my face. Spend intentional time healing.
Regarding faith: The good news is I believe our son is in heaven, continuously loved by our Father. I can only imagine the glory he feels every day. The hard part is for those of us walking through life without our loved one’s physical presence.
The pain and growth is in the weight. By the strength of God, weight can be lifted to be bearable. He never promises us an easy life here on earth.
He sent us here for a purpose, His purpose. We are here to share the gospel of Christ with those that do not know him. We are here to lift and be kind to one another in the process. We go where our eyes lead us, and although I have a purpose here, I am looking up towards eternity.
God has blessed our life in so many ways. In 2010, two children were placed in our care unexpectedly. When I look back, I believe that God gifted us two, knowing he would be calling one home. At times I wonder, what if we would have said “no” to the two?
Happiness is fleeting and joy is eternal.
My prayer above for happiness, should have been for “Joy” – as this is what he must be experiencing now.
“Success” – is eternal life in heaven. “Growth” – turned out to be my own. “Safety” – was gifted to our family while lifting us up during loss. “Good friendships” – were in place as we walk through this new journey. “Love” – is what God gave us when he sent his only begotten son to die on the cross so that we, as sinners, may have eternal life.
All that I prayed for was answered!
I pray that we clearly see blessings through eyes of grief. Remember, when we walk by faith, we are never alone.
Peace and blessings!
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4.