A wrecked life…

When God closes doors to your aspirations, we must believe he has a different plan for our life. When you feel defeated and worn down, it is easy to give up. Somedays I look back at the words placed on my heart and they give me strength. I pray they do the same for you…

My entire life I attended church.  I considered myself a christian.  Youth groups, bible studies and a Sunday School teacher could be added to my resume’. Each week I listened to the sermons. Sometimes I applied them to my life and some I slept through. My bible was kept under the edge of my bed for easy access.  I dusted it regularly.  At times, I opened and read it. I prayed when life was hard.  I submitted the desires of my heart.  When life was smooth, I often forgot to return thanks.

There is no easy talk of tragedy.  Our son was hit by a car crossing the street during his second month of college and died. We were in shock. Why was this child we adored ripped from our family? What had we done to deserve this? My mind jumped to the mistakes I made in the crossroads of life. How did I survive the ridiculous shenanigans orchestrated by me as a young adult?  Why him?  Naturally, I would have traded places with him in an instant. Was this punishment for my sins? My heart knew better.  In grief I sobbed, knowing that Jesus died on the cross for all sins.  Our son’s death was not punishment. Darkness loves company. I sought light.

At first, these thunderous thoughts of WHY, set up permanent residence in my mind. Did it matter? He was gone. My heart was broken. The humility a parent feels when they realize they cannot protect their child, is overwhelming. The grace God bestows upon us when we are weary, is welcomed. My heart was numb. Six months after his death, our family gathered to celebrate Easter. Suddenly, I heard the door open and someone exclaimed, “Oh! There he is!” My heart leapt! I ran through the house to greet our son! WHY would I do this?! HOW did I even imagine it was him? I had hope.

Recently, one of our children asked me if I ever considered that our son’s purpose here on earth had been fulfilled.  The blessing of a child is immeasurable.  A longtime friend admitted that when she heard the news of our son’s passing she wept. Not only for our loss, but because she felt it would destroy me. She did not believe I could withstand such a tragedy.  She was right. The person I was before loss, could not.  I was large and in charge, juggling life…until I got the call that stopped it all.

Over three years have now passed.  The first year I found myself begging for God to lift me up. I was in shock, helpless and weak.  At the time, nothing made sense.  I was a control freak out of control.  I now realize, it was where I needed to be, seeking mercy and healing.  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13.

Where are you in life? Is your job, schedule, school or family running you? Are you bending to the demands you feel this world has placed upon you? How can you slow down and reflect on the gifts God has given you?  For years I worked, traveled and did all I could to provide for our family.  I was taught that hard work was important.  It is!  Over time, the American dream of owning things, enjoying vacations, sports and activities for our children grew. In our quest for more, the demands increased, as time together decreased.

Each year I find a word to describe vision in my life. This year I seek “peace.”  Priorities change, especially through loss.  Before our son’s accident, life was speeding by.  I could not see the heartbeats He placed right in front of me. I was not present in the gifts given. Realizing your God given passion and fully turning it over to Him, is scary.  I believe it will in time, bring peace.

Without a doubt, I am a follower of Christ.  Jesus wrecked my life. MY desires, MY hopes, and MY dreams. They have been left in the ashes and dust. He has my full heart. Growth hurts. Being stretched is painful. Somedays I would like to kick and shout about loss. Yet, maybe, just possibly, our son’s purpose was to bring us unbelievable joy and laughter for 19 years! I am forever grateful to have been his mom. I thank God for wrecking my life and guiding me to live HIS desires over my own. I thank Him for allowing me awareness of His beautiful light. I am grateful for the reminder through our son, to “Look up and be happy” with all that He has gifted us.

I pray these words run deep. Let them remind you to look up and be grateful for ALL that you have been gifted. Walk by faith. Know that by serving others, YOU are served far greater. Lift another life to serve alongside you, for together we are stronger. The tattoo our son had emblazoned upon his ribs stated, “He gave you life, don’t waste it.”  It is with open heart I write  – “He gave me loss, I won’t waste it.”

When you are looking for answers, God gives them. They may not be what you had hoped for, but they are there and true. Trust Him and see the amazing places He will take you. This is Him, not me. I am too weak. He wrecked me and my life so that I could see the goodness and mercy of His.

Peace & Blessings,

MamaC

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Chosen to Shine non-profit 501 (c)(3) was created in memory of our son. It carries the mission of teaching leadership skills while connecting passions to serve opportunities. We are all Chosen to Shine. For information or tax deductible donations please visit: Chosentoshine.org or email [email protected]