I love the ocean. It has always brought me peace. Grief is best described as coming in waves like an ocean. Somedays there are tidal waves and others calm waters. Grief is not an obstacle. It is not something to overcome. As time passes, I can see the obstacles. We all have choices on how to live, move forward and through.
I’ve noticed grief is often recognized as a problem to be solved or an illness that can be treated. There is no advice for devastation. No words can fix the loss that has shattered their world. It was once explained to me at work that I should learn how to “compartmentalize my grief”. On his birthday, I woke up to a message that said, “I make people uncomfortable by celebrating his life.” After forming Chosen to Shine, I was told, “we would never shine until I quit talking about our dead son.” I thought to myself… don’t react, respond…don’t react, respond! Explaining “why” when I realize I did not need to was freeing. Maybe yelling and screaming would have been helpful, but by God’s grace, that didn’t occur. I pray each day that these people NEVER say those words to another grieving person.
As time passes, people move on. Somewhere in the back of their minds, I’m sure the tragic experience is there. As his mother, I wake each day, wondering if it was real. Would he please just walk into my room smiling and singing…This is grief, there is no time line, there is no cure. Don’t walk away, it’s not weird, its loss.
One thing is certain in life, change. Friends, career, priorities and my view of life has dramatically improved. Worry is not something that crowds my mind. I see others fretting over what may happen. I say live life fully each day. If tragedy strikes or a mountain needs to be climbed, then so be it. Refuse to live life in fear, it’s not fun. I did it and it did no good. Choose better, not bitter.
Have you heard the saying…”It is what it is.” I believe it should say, “It is what you make of it.” I often hear that “everything happens for a reason.” Yet “free will” causes things to happen. Have I learned from loss? You bet! I find that my patience for people being downright mean and hateful is gone. I have learned to walk away from situations and people that are indifferent or bring downright ugliness into life.
We want you to remember our loved ones. The broken hearted only wish for you to be with them, not do for them, or be sad or say you are sorry. Reality is…I still experience pain when I hear a helicopter or an ambulance. It stinks and comes at the most unexpected times. Loud places that I used to love make me tremble now. I’ve learned not to go down the dark path of “what did he realize or did he feel what was happening?” At times, I think I will get off social media so that the pain of wishing he was still sending me selfies or posting fun times with his friends would vanish. Then I wake up and think, wait, what?! I love communication! I’m sure grief is different for everyone and this is purely my experience shared for understanding.
With loss, we struggle at times to remember every detail of their life and ours together. I pray that even though they are gone, you remember. Our son was an amazing young man that loved and lived life fully. My prayer is that you embrace your life each day. If you are young, make good choices, your parents love you. If you are older, quit being angry and make amends to those you love. We can all be brave, be strong and be grateful for our blessings! Remember this, life is short…look up, be happy and know, that you can make a positive difference in the lives of others!
Growth occurs when you realize you only thought you had control of anything. You look up and are grateful you never really did!
Happy Saturday! MamaC
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
Photo: Calvinator – Spring of 2015 – Destin, FL
