Son, when I grow old…

What I’ve learned in these past 515 days has made me a new person.  I had no clue what loss was before our son went to be in God’s house of gold. I now know that understanding and sympathy are two completely different thoughts.  Gratefully, I had never experienced a situation of true trauma until October 18, 2014.  On that night I received a phone call that would change my life forever.  I write this not to express the obvious, but to explain how growth can occur within loss, as a grieving mother.

It was explained to me that people either blame God or grow in their faith after loss.  Mine grew and for that I am forever thankful.  My faith does not mean that I do not have daily tears, thoughts of what he went through or an aching heart.  It means that my heart has changed and grown.  On this journey, I see life differently and for that I am grateful! 

As a grieving parent I see people walking away as they are unsure what to say.  People avoid asking how our family is doing.  His friends that spent many a day and night at our home are no longer present.  I would imagine that it is difficult to visit where he used to live, as it is a reminder he is no longer here.  One would think the air once filled with his pranks, stories, jokes and laughter is now a deafening silence.  His room  filled with memories and photos untouched.  Yet, none of this is true.

As his mother, right away, I felt an deep desire to keep his memory alive.  I longed to do what he had planned in helping others, once he was unable.  My drive was fueled by grief, his love, words, smile and God’s grace.  I knew how many lives he had touched in his short nineteen years on earth.  I prayed to see that good light in others and wanted to share it as he did, everywhere he went.  

I have forever been a happy hugger.  He grew to love this and reciprocate.  Now that he was gone, I needed hugs more than ever.  Daily efforts on my part were made to smile and speak, as I realized the avoidance blaring at me with people walking the other way.  I knew they did not know what to say.  Before our loss, I did the same.  I am NOT seeking pity.  I am hopeful that these words of experience, will reach you and others in this situation.  

As his mother, I LOVE hearing his name.  I LOVE hearing stories about our son.  I KNOW stories that you may not, that are hilarious Connor episodes in our home and would be happy to share them with you.  I LOVE hearing how you knew him and what impact he had on your life, if any.  To me, his mother, he is alive each day in my heart.  He will never be “gone”.  I think of him each day and always will.  He is a part of our lives forever.  We will always have his pictures hanging in our home and his awards on our walls.  We will continue to speak of him daily as we do now.  Healing means remembering him.  Tears may stream down my face, but that is okay.  I can see clearly through tears.  Do not let this stop you from speaking, smiling or telling a story about him.  His life and death are vividly emblazoned in my heart and soul forever.  I miss him every second of everyday.

Age does not matter to a mother that loses a child.  If her baby has lived only moments or 70 years, that child is still her baby.  I once had a mother sincerely explain to me that losing her son was more difficult than losing her husband that she loved dearly.  We never expect to bury our children no matter the age and would gladly have stepped in their place, if given a choice.  

I have been blessed with five children.  Three were born from my body and two from my heart through adoption.  I love them all equally.  When I am asked how many children I have, I always answer five.  One has his angel wings and the others are here with me.  When we sign cards they will continue to have all of our names including, forever Connor.  Holidays, breaks from school and summers are hard.  They are reminders that he is not coming home from college when everyone else is.  The accomplishments of his siblings are always met with, your brother would be so grateful for your strength, hard work and honors given.  They smile in agreement and know this to be true.

Our home is not quiet, it never has been.  We speak of him daily in all that we do.  Even as his chair sits empty at the table, we talk of our day and things that were good and difficult.  We speak of what he would have done or thought about incidents, funny or serious.  He is still very much a part of our lives.  We feel his presence in all that we do, because he is STILL felt in our hearts as he should be.  

Todays fast paced world would like a clear cut time frame of when grief will be over.  It is different for everyone.  Three days for a funeral, two weeks for the loss of a family member is an extremely short time to move back into life, let alone a business.  Be kind and understanding to those with loss, there is no set time for grief.  Getting through loss is enough.  It changes people and families.  

In case you are wondering, I will never be “over” the loss of our son.  I am learning to live with him not being physically present. Am I missing him today?  Yes, I miss him everyday.  I miss his unspoken understanding of me.  I miss his smile, optimistic attitude, friendship and of course, his selfies. 🙂 I know that some are happy this blog is helpful to me.  I pray it helps you too.  I pray that you never fully understand the loss of a child, yet may see into this grief, through my heart.  Change is inevitable.  My grief will stop when we are together again, in God’s time.  Our family is forever changed.  We are mostly changed by the gift of our cherished blessing named Connor.

Love, peace and blessings to you from me, our family and forever Connor!

MamaC 

My sun sets to rise again…Elizabeth Barrett Browning