Visit home

Last Labor Day was the final time Connor was home.  This year of firsts without him is rapidly coming to a close.  Yet, I know he is home.  His eternal home is grand and nothing like our home here on earth.  All of these things I know, yet grief still abounds.  How do you get through?  As I type, I hear our youngest daughter singing 10,000 Reasons, in the shower.  As low as grief can take you, God can lift you up. This morning we attended a funeral of a husband, father, son, friend and follower of Christ.  He was taken much earlier than one would expect by cancer.  Surrounded by our faith family through many toils and tears, we are thankful.  Going into a cemetery where we knew most all the last names on the stones was somehow comforting, even as tears flowed.  Seeing several Pastors there from many churches to support this family was surely God saying I am here.  Prayers ascend for this family today and always.

My words come less as the one year anniversary of Connor’s death approaches.  My heart aches just as if he were standing in front of me yesterday and is not today.  I am amazed that after 324 days without him, I still wake up each morning wondering for a fleeting moment if it was all just a bad dream.  It is real.  Thank goodness, God is real.

Recently, on a Saturday morning, for the first time since he left us, I was unable to move.  I couldn’t understand, why now?  It’s been months.  Then it hit me that one year ago that day, was the day we took him to college.  Just one short year ago.  My heart and head felt nothing but heavy.  Even with endless faith there are grief days that question my strength.  This day, with my phone on silent, I sobbed.  Just as I drifted off for a moment, my phone began to play the song that seems to lift me up over and over, “This Year” – by JJ Heller.  This song has been a huge gift to me all year.

My alarm was not set, my phone was on silent, yet the song I obviously needed to hear, played loudly.  I was shocked, wide eyed and let it continue to play through many times.  I believe we are given what we need, when we need it, to strengthen us to push through.  I see and hear things I never did before he left us.  I do not believe in luck or coincidence.  I believe whole heartedly in our powerful Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”  Matthew 5:4

Gratefully – MamaC