The blessing of surrender…

Losing a child changes you.  It changes everything.  It made us realize we were never in control.  It brings humility in one fell swoop and throws you down hard. When hearts are broken, God gives us grace to rebuild.  The scar tissue of loss, combined with faith, brings strength that can move mountains.  Nothing is more powerful than surrendering your life to the hands of God.

Before loss, I was headstrong, determined and driven for success in this world.  Self pride, stubborness and a personal agenda kept me from realizing what was truly important.  Nothing we had as a family could have happened without God’s grace and the support of my husband. He was generous in allowing me to lead and run after what I believed to be success.  He not only took care of the kids, but also his job, while I traveled for work.  I was intolerable.  Even with important details such as exactly HOW to put the toilet paper roll on “correctly.”  I am at a loss as to how he dealt with me, low these many years. 

Going into overdrive seemed comfortable. All things family occurred in the kitchen, the heart of our home. It was impossible to enjoy without all of our children present. What could we do to keep ourselves moving and jettison past the pain? Actually…nothing.  All that transpired exhausted our family.  Try as we may, the empty chair was never filled.  Three years had passed when my husband spoke the words, everything is falling apart.  In true form, I quickly responded, that it wasn’t everything, it was just me.  His head lowered as he said, you ARE my everything. 

How did I miss the tremendous gift God blessed me with so many years ago? Maybe it got lost in all that we were working towards for our family and “success.”  Possibly it was between sports and the demands to be everywhere for our children, or the ever important career.  Somehow I had forgotten the love that started it all.  

My husband John is the gift from God that I never truly saw until loss.  Sometimes we are taken down, so that He can build us back for His good and not our own desires.  Seeing gifts through grief is a light in the dark.  It opens our eyes to the unthinkable -why?  Not any clear cut answer, but simply shreds of light shining through the deep crevices of denial.   

Surrendering to God and realizing my husbands place as the leader of our home has been ridiculously difficult.  I have always been an organized control freak.  Letting go of selfish desire, has been a gift to our family.  There was a moment of surrender, yet there is a daily habit. It is what should have been happening all along.  John has waited patiently. He allowed me to shine throughout our life together.

God has shown us that genuine surrender says, if this problem, pain, sickness or circumstance is necessary to fulfill your purpose in our life, please don’t take it away. No matter what it is!  Believe me when I say that being stretched is painful.  However, victory comes in surrender.  Not a popular stance, but most assuredly one that was thrust fully into my life, and for this I am forever grateful.   

Peace & Blessings,

MamaC

“The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven’t yet come to the end of themselves. We’re still trying to give orders, and interfering with God’s work within us. ” 
― A. W. Tozer

Photo: John – Yosemite National Park – April 2018