Climb every mountain…

Cleaning under the couch cushions I saw something shiny peeking out of a side crevice.  I pulled out a silver ink pen and wondered where such a nice pen came from.  It didn’t look familiar at first.  As most would, I immediately pressed the top of the pen to see if it would write.  The shock ripped through my hand as I gasped and dropped it to the ground.  It was Connor’s trick pen that shocks you when you click it!  How is it that even though he is not here, he is STILL playing tricks on me?!  It must have been hiding there for at least two years!  After I smiled and laughed, I shed a few tears wishing he was here for me to hear his laughter or receive his hug.

I was overwhelmed with emotion hearing comments from our children recently.  Prom, Sound of Music, graduations, confirmation, middle school concerts, college search and all things new are being celebrated.  Recently, I have witnessed voices expressing how sincerely Connor is missed.  We speak of him daily.  We celebrate what he would have said, done or thought about all that is going on in our lives today.  He lives on in our hearts and minds.  His humor and opinions of situations forever stand strongly in our home.

Our niece Melia, has the lead role of “Maria” in the Sound of Music at Metro East Lutheran High this weekend and Carter is “Kurt”, one of the children.  Carter was in tears wishing his brother was here to see him as he knew how proud he would be of his work.  They have practiced hours upon hours for months and the show will be spectacular!  A friend came up to me yesterday after seeing a snipet of the show.  She smiled, held my hand and said, “I saw Connor’s smile in Melia today!”  Oh boy did that bring tears!  Tears of joy, yet tears of sorrow at the same time.  This friend understands loss and I love her even more for the words she spoke!

Calvin is getting confirmed this weekend, as well as graduating from eighth grade, in a few short weeks.  I know Connor would have been in the church, creating something that would make him laugh or be distracted as he always did.  He would have loved Calvin’s “fresh” new suit that he is sporting.  Claire is going to prom with a friend of hers and Connor’s.  I am sure Connor would approve and be grateful for this friend.  It is time to decide on college for her.  Can you imagine how difficult her leaving will be when her brother left and never came home?  Callie is now going to the middle school that Connor attended.  I told her as we were walking in to register, he would love that fact!  She is also planning to play the violin next year in his honor.  Even though he is not physically present in our lives, he lives on through us all daily!

Grief and loss have given me new eyes.  Yes, there are days when breathing is hard.  No, it is not easier after time, at least not for me.  Sometimes I think that the more time that passes, the harder it gets.  Year two has me missing him as much, if not more, than year one.  I DO know that Connor would be devastated if he could see the pain in our family due to his loss.  I know that some are angry at God when loved ones leave this earth.  I have learned, that the control I believed I had, is truly fictional.  Blaming God or someone else may seem to make it easier to accept, but I have found it only continues to eat away at our own lives daily.  Forgiveness is a powerful force.  I have seen signs and felt miraculous peace at times through fervent prayer.  There is no mythical explanation for the answers to my prayers.  Eternal life through Christ is where I put my faith, hope and life.  He is the way, the truth and the life!  I know I will see our son again when Jesus returns and that day will be glorious!

Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.  John 5:24

So many new things, so many blessings and SO much to be grateful for!  Enjoy each day with your loved ones and never take them for granted, even on difficult days!  Each day may feel like climbing a mountain, but I’ve heard the view from the top is spectacular!  Always remember to keep looking up and be happy for today!

Hope to see you at the Sound of Music!  Tonight at 7pm, tomorrow at 7pm or Sunday at 2pm at Metro East Lutheran High School!  618-656-0043 for tickets.

Peace & Blessings!

MamaC