Happy New Year….

October 18, 2015

Dear Connor,

Today marks one year since we last spoke. It is amazing to me that my love for you continues to grow, even without speaking to you. You are a part of me. I can feel your presence in my life daily. I never knew memories could be so strong. I see you in your siblings. I smile when I see things you would like.  It has been a long year, without your conversation, smile and hugs. I have been forced to grow and learn things I never wanted to know. When I am feeling down I think of how upset you would be if you thought I was sad due to missing you. I know you would understand, but you would not want me to be sad. You despised sadness and always tried to make people laugh, anything to help bring happiness.

You would be amazed at the people in this world that have brought blessings to our family. We are most certainly surrounded by love from family, friends and even strangers. You know how we talked about signs in this life just before you left? Well, I see them all the time now! God is good and you only have to open your eyes to notice them!

Your friends have helped me through. They still tell me stories of things you did that I never knew and most all of them bring laughter. I had no idea you left orchestra one day during a movie when you had a substitute teacher! They told me you walked to Sonic and bought milkshakes for the back row of class and when the movie was over, everyone else was confused on how you all got them! (Apparently your principal knows now too.)

Carter finally spilled the beans that you let him sit in the front seat of your car on the way home from the YMCA once. He smiled and told me how you told him not to tell anyone! You really made him feel special that day! Of course, it was not safe…Claire told about how you video taped me snoring when you knew I had taped Dad snoring and was going to give him grief over it. I’m sure that Claire has many more stories!   Callie was explaining how you taught her how to make grilled cheese….for you. Calvin had stories about you drifting your car into the driveway and how cool it was. Hmmmm…

Melia talks about when you picked her up from school and always went through McDonalds. The many voices of Connor at the drive through and how you had her feed you french fries as you drove her home. She told of how the lady in the drive thru after school knew you by name!

It seems you had a lot of fun that I never knew about, even though we talked daily. I love hearing all the memories you made with so many people. You always had a light inside you that I could see, but I was your mom. I never realized how many other lives you brightened besides mine. Someone told me just after you left, that there are millions of stars in the sky each night, but we can only see a few. The ones that shine so brightly are the ones we notice and that because they shine so bright, they burn out quickly.  I am thinking this must be your story.

I used to think about what it would be like when you would be traveling in the military since you had explored that option for quite a while. I thought about how it would be not to talk to you everyday. It made me sad, but I knew I could do it with God’s help. Well here I am, one year of not talking to you and I am still standing. The thought that you are not coming back home is still sinking in a year later. My heart still longs to see you and hear your voice. I made it one year today and am grateful for that. I didn’t know how I could do it and thankfully I haven’t been alone. God has been merciful to me and lifted me up through so many others. Our family is now so much larger, through those that came to our aid in person, on this tragic day one year ago and still remain. I am grateful for so many people.

I look forward to seeing you again someday. I know it is in God’s time and not mine. I pray that I can bring good to this life I have been gifted, in God’s honor and yours. I sometimes wear your silly socks inside my boots to make me smile.  Until we meet again, I will keep writing and praying it helps just one person. There were so many lives you touched in such positive ways. I do believe my new year will start on this day going forward.  It seems to be so much more significant than January 1st to me.  I promise to look up and be happy!  I love you my son!

Forever and always,

Mama

Faith, hope, and love abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13.