Walking in the light…

One year ago today, was the last day, our family was together.  It was Truman Family weekend.  We were thrilled to see Connor, meet his roommate and for his siblings to see Truman State University.  We were blessed with beautiful weather.  Connor had just pledged Pi Kappa Phi fraternity the evening we arrived.  We went to a football game, women’s volleyball game, and ate at an outside picnic on campus.  We met his roommates family.  We all piled into their dorm room together to see if both of our large families would fit…and we did!  He was so excited to see us and to be at Truman.  He told us he was thankful that he went to school there, instead of the larger schools he thought he wanted at first.  He loved the “townies” and all his new friends at school.  He was happy.  I was thankful.

God has blessed me this weekend, in so many ways. I had coffee with a long time friend’s mother.  She messaged me and asked if I could meet with her.  She lost her 37 year old son, fifteen years ago.  She shed tears as she spoke of him.  This showed me that I will always cry for our son, and that is okay.  She gave words of wisdom to me, that only one with this type of experience, could give.  Her friendship is a gift. The next morning, I ran into a high school friend at a coffee shop, that also lost a child. His child was much younger than Connor.  He is always smiling and friendly.  I can see the eyes of understanding, each time he speaks to me.  I see hope.  As I turned to leave, yet another friend hugged me.  I had received a message from her over the summer.  She had a relative that had suddenly taken his own life.  He was Connor’s age.  We spoke about loss and how people could help one another.  I walked out of the coffee shop and down the street.  A man stopped in front of me and introduced himself.  He knew of our story and I knew his loss as well, yet we had never met.  He offered to listen if John and I ever needed an understanding ear.  All of this, in two beautiful fall days.  Do you believe these people just happened to cross my path in this time of heartache?  I do not.  Are you aware of people stopping to talk to you in your life?  I would guess that there are all types of miracles going on in this world, that no one realizes.  I didn’t…until now.

This morning, I met the person that nominated our family, to receive an award for adoption, in Washington D.C. next month.  He taught Callie Sunday school and worked with Connor in Congressman Shimkus’s office, two summers ago.  I was able to thank him for his thoughtfulness to our family.  I realize this could be given to many families that have adopted.  I’m not sure why it was us, but I am grateful.  The award comes only two weeks prior, to the one year date, of our loss.  Connor left us the week between his younger brother and sister’s birthdays.  October has always been my favorite month of the year.  I am determined it will remain that way.  The next five weeks will be difficult to move through, yet it is unexpected gifts like these, that lift our spirits.  Thank you all for thinking of our family.  Thank you to our Heavenly Father that guides our lives daily when we are not aware.

As time passes, it seems more real that he is not coming back.  The pain has not lessoned for me.  The blanket of grief continues to try and smother me at times, especially at night.  It is beautiful days like these that are the hardest.  I write to help others understand what a mother may feel, in losing a child.  I pray each time I hear an ambulance or helicopter.  I’m sure everyone is different in how they feel, yet loss is loss.

In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.  Matthew 7:12

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Peace & Blessings!  MamaC

Photos from family weekend September 13, 2014 – as usual, I took many.