No Fear – Fear Not…
Adventurous, mischievous, care free, you only live once, no fear attitude that I had when I was young, is exactly how Connor was. When I think back of how invincible I thought I was, I cringe. As a parent, you see life differently once that little bundle of joy arrives. As a Mother, carrying your child for months, anticipating how your life will be, is a serious life changer! Dads’ like Connor’s are right there with you, through it all.
Somewhere along the way the “no fear” transformed itself into fear. We had hoped for children someday. There was no way to be fully prepared for such a blessing bouncing into our lives. Long nights with colic, no sleep, learning how to care for our first born child, there was certainly fear. First steps, first grade, first dance, first girlfriend, and first to graduate from high school were all things of apprehension for first time parents. His younger siblings always felt he had it easy with privilege of being oldest, but he would beg to differ.
Connor never had those “terrible two’s” that people talk about. He was a pleaser and actually shy most of his life. Somewhere between his 16th birthday party, where he told a couple of girls it was an 80’s costume party when it was truly a luau and his 18th birthday, he found his confidence. During the last three years of his life, his heart grew, along with confidence. He didn’t always believe he was a leader, but those that knew him well, could see it. He was excited about most everything, especially meeting new people. He saw a bigger picture the last couple of years and was bursting with light, making friends everywhere he went.
As all people, especially teens learning to navigate life, he didn’t always make great choices, again, a trait from his Mother. He inherited his Father’s studious side. As parents during these times, our fear set in. Fear to keep him safe, know what he was doing, who his friends were…somehow, I felt I could keep him safe. It’s what most parents believe they are able to do. Did you have little sleep, late nights, checking to make sure your children are where they are supposed to be? It can be as exhausting as a newborn. Social media and technology of today’s world easily let you into your children’s life, if you so desire. Life is different from when I was younger, as each generation will say. Riding bikes all day around town, no cell phones, texting devices, or internet to get lost in, seemed to be a much safer way of life to me.
When Connor left for college, I prayed for him and for my heart to find peace. I worried and humbly admit that I had an app to track his phone. I made sure he made it back to his dorm at night the first month or so. He was a smart young man. He soon set up notifications that told him I had tracked his phone. He texted, “Mom stop! I’m fine!” Fear can overtake your life. It does no good. You are not in control. No matter who you are, where you come from, or what you do, it is a false sense of security that we think we have.
In comes “Fear Not”. I spent my entire life raised in a church. I thought I was a Christian because I went to church, listened, and was confirmed. I went to Sunday school, taught Sunday school, took our children to church each week and even enrolled them in parochial schools. Connor was blessed to hear God’s word daily at school, for years. He knew more about God’s word than I did. It was a constant battle getting our kids to church on Sundays, especially since they “learned it all week long!” in parochial school. As they got older, I caved frequently and we didn’t always attend. It was so difficult to gather them all up on Sunday’s, even though I wanted to go. Nothing worth having, learning or doing is ever easy. I knew this before I had children, but they instill this truth for me everyday. They are a blessing.
When we received the call that Connor had been in a tragic accident, I panicked as any parent would. Only hours later I found myself on my knees praying for strength. In my initial fear after loss, I questioned it all. I have been told, that tragedy in ones life either destroys it or brings you stronger in faith. I knew deep down, it was not a question in my heart. I knew my son would never want me to fall apart over his temporary loss. He would want me to be strong and keep going. He lived that way, always. I began to seek out His word. I could not sleep, looking for what I needed, this continues. His word was always there, sitting inside my dusty bible. After Connor’s funeral, I was given a daily devotion. I found myself reading the scripture verses for that day, only to find myself reading the entire book the passage was in. I was led to the water, but had only taken sips before, when it suited my life.
We have had heartache with people in positions of power, feeling like their fiery words would consume us. We continue to have weekly tests of our faith as the paperwork drags on with our loss. Each week I struggle and lean into God’s word. At times, I grieve as tears and anger spew out from our loss . Suddenly, I find myself diving into the water through waves of grief, yet not drowning. Each day I read or hear, Fear not! This is a choice to walk by faith. I know He lifts me up, as I am not alone, never have been, I just didn’t realize it before…I thought I was in control. Ha!
But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43:1-2
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Peace & Blessings, MamaC
Photo above: Calvin Cunningham remembering his brother with a smile…
